Dear Grocery Store,

If you are going to charge me 5 cents for each plastic shopping bag, how about making them a little stronger, and more durable? If I’m paying you, I would expect the bag to carry more than 2 pounds without breaking, and it would be good if they weren’t usually full of holes…I use ’em to pick up dog poop, ya know!

Love,
Bakker

Dear Elusive Spider In My House,

If you must keep biting me, can you at least pass some Spider Super Powers on to me please?

Thanks,
Bakker

Dear Random Stranger That Parked His Identical Mini-van Next To Mine,

Your remote key-fob wasn’t really controlling both of our vehicles at the same time, I was standing a few cars over with my remote pushing the same buttons as you were pushing on yours. I have to tell you, it was the most fun that I have had for a while. The best part was when you brought your wife over to show her and I stopped. She will never believe you.

Thanks for the entertainment!

Love,

Bakker

 

Dear Everyone Else Shopping At Wal-Mart The Other Day,

I apologize for my outburst. I know that it was vulgar, but I really didn’t say it on purpose, it just sort of popped out of my mouth before I even realized what was happening; you see, I have never tried on reading glasses before, and I was so taken aback. I couldn’t help that “HOLY $H!T HON, LOOK HOW BIG THE TEXT ON MY PHONE IS!!” escaped my lips. Believe me, Mrs. Bake was NOT impressed! Despite the fact that she quickly walked out of the store pretending not to know me, she sure knew me when I got in the car, boy did she give me an earful!  Sorry if I upset anyone.

Love,

Bakker

P.S. I’m pretty sure that I was not the reason that baby started crying…he looked like he was having a bad day before I even got there.

 

Dear Winter,

I hope you are enjoying your trip out west. I am sure that all of those provinces between Saskatchewan and B.C. are REALLY happy to have you. In fact, I’m pretty sure that they would like you to stay. We held a big meeting out here, and have agreed that its okay with us if you would like to stay out there a little longer, in fact you can just skip your Ontario visit this year altogether, we can wait until next year to see you. It is important that you re-connect with the Western provinces; they really miss you, especially the Vancouver part of B.C….just be sure to come back for Christmas eve next year so that Santa has an easy landing!

Enjoy!

Love,

Bakker

PS Manitoba, Quebec, The Maritimes, and The Territories said to say “Hi!” …. Newfoundland says to “eff off!” … so does Labrador, eh?

Dear Voice-To-Text,

Oh Boy, you sure are a playful one aren’t you! I was trying to give a (new!) co-worker a traffic tip the other day when I dictated;

“Bayview looks like crap today…try Markham up next time maybe…looks a lot better!”

Thanks for changing it to: “Babes, you looks like crap today…try make-up next time baby…looks a lot better!”

No wonder lunch was so awkward, especially since I didn’t realize what you had done until 3pm!

Love,

Bakker

Dear Bombardier,

Just heard that you got an order for 45 new jets AND your are cutting 7000 jobs… Any chance you could finish building our streetcars first?

Love,
Toronto

#WeAlreadyPaidYouFFS

Dear Mouth,

In the future, please let Brain catch-up, and assess your comments before you make them. Thanks!

Love,
Bakker